Netflix on the Fringe

January 21, 2011

6:19 AM
I woke up humming an old devotional song from youth group... "...oh lord prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true......" I grabbed a glass of water and crawled back into bed. It was the first night I had slept more than an hour in 6 days.  It was restless. But, it was something. A couple moments of reprieve from my 6 days....25 years of a cruel teeter totter...weariness clung to my bones. I fell back into a fitful sleep.

6:43 AM
I knew it as soon as my phone went off. I heard the ring pierce the air. [ Milwaukie, OR] I answer "Hello." It wasn't a question. It was more of a permission for them to proceed with the reason they called. " Is this Ashley?" "Yes" ....." I am sorry to inform you that Paula passed away about 15 minutes ago." Silence. More Silence. Finally, my response is ..."15 minutes ago? And you are just now calling me?" ... the conversation ended with her offering me the name of a grief counselor and a lock of my mothers hair." I remember walking to my closet and grabbing a pair of soft socks and tugging them onto my feet. I went up stairs and sat on the couch. The book on natural remedies was still laying out on the table from my research the night before, next to the Netflix DVD's I needed to return. I had stayed up until 3 AM searching different remedies for liver failure while Fringe played in the background. As if I was going to do what doctors hadn't been able to do and what my mother had no desire to do. She died 19 hours after I got her into hospice. I had spent the last 6 days at the hospital and had needed food, shower and some rest. It's like...the moment I stepped away with her she took it as permission to let go.

January 22, 2011
Before the sun AM

I walked into my mom's apartment. I had ran through the streets of Oregon City at 3:30 that morning.. I ran hard. I sobbed. And then I ran harder. If I had wheels they would've fallen off. I was drowning in my grief and I didn't know what else to do with the day. So, I went to my mom's apartment. Maybe to feel closer to her. I am not sure. As I passed her coffee table my stomach dropped through the floor. Rewind to about a week before my mom ended up in the hospital for the final time...She was gushing about a purple scarf she was making me. She had no idea that purple was my favorite color....when I was 6. But, seeing as my mother wasn't someone who went out of her way to do nice things for people, I was grateful. The half unmade scarf draped across the table and needles lay on the floor tangled in a mass of purple yarn. The purple yarn seemed to crawl into my chest and wrap its way around my heart and started to tighten. It sat unfinished like all of the unsaid spoken words between us. I turned away from the painful display of unfinished kindness and headed to the kitchen. An untouched bologna sandwich lay on the counter, uneaten. Like many, I have had a lifetime of painful, heart wrenching and suffocating moments. Not many can compare to the sharp pain that bit into my heart at that very moment. She was the third death in 3 months. The final straw that I was sure would break me. I loved my mom. However, at 41 years of age all she loved was Vodka. My mom had demons and wasn't given the tools to handle this world, take care of herself , or love me. Conflicted between the relief of her suffering being over and the loss of a mother who was more like my child. I took care of her. I answered the phone at 3AM to hear her rants and I brought her groceries when she used all her money on other things. I watched scary movies with her even though I hated them...just so I could spend time with her. At 10 years old, I spent many Saturdays sitting next to her watching Lifetime movies, drinking sweet tea and eating artichoke hearts, just to be near her. She loved me on her own terms. But, it was all she could do. I have learned that you can't force someone to love you and a person who loves their addiction more than anything will never be able to love you like you need or want. You will never be a priority to them. You will always be expendable. But, I supposed everyone has their demons.

March 3, 2017

That distinct smell of rubbing alcohol and cigarettes will snap me back to her side in an instant. Smells are funny that way. You are present in the moment and then BOOM ...you are thrown 20 years into the past. Every day I think of her....something will remind me of her. Those fleece jackets with cats all over them, Chihuahuas, someone asking for help on a simple computer task, solitaire, those velvet coloring posters, that old perfume in the white and black bottle shaped into an exclamation point, Coors and yarn. The laughing and smiles and affection that only came after 3 glasses of boxed wine. So many things have changed since then...life goes on doesn't it? I threw myself into running. I ran every day for months. I ran my first half marathon and then full marathon. Then another and another. Then I ran an Ultra and then another. PR after PR and adventure after adventure. I went from never hiking alone to running 25 miles by myself in the gorge, following a map I drew on my inner arm. I started really living....since she no longer could. I changed jobs, started drawing and writing again and then moved a total of 5 times. Through it all...I held on to those Netflix movies I had the day she died. All I had to do was drop them into the mail. But, for some reason I wasn't able to. It was basically the ONLY thing that hadn't changed since she died. 

                                          

Those 2 Netflix movies.......Today, I took them with me ..and dropped them in the mail slot. I don't know what I expected to happen. Fireworks? Massive rainfall? Some dramatic music? However, I did feel a strange sense of relief. A moment of exhale. A deep breathe after holding it for a long time. Such a silly thing. Netflix movies....as if holding on to those movies changed anything at all. Loss happens, coping happens...all the while life keeps going. You hear it all of the time....it's not what happens to you. It's how you handle what happens to you that matters. Just life doing its thing...shaping us into stronger and more unique individuals. We experience loss and gains... we grasps outlets for coping and moving on. Finding things that bring you joy and looking for ways that help you let go of past hurts and loss are what you have to do. Something as small as returning those meaningless Netflix movies you've been holding on to for 6 years is just apart of the process.