Thursday, January 10, 2019

Mindsets are Powerful


It's been so long since I've written anything worth sharing. I spend a lot of time reading other peoples thoughts and sharing them because I can't find the words to share where my own mind is at. I watch other peoples lives on social media, the news and the celebrity lime light. I look at my friends lives and I just imagine how they see me. I don't have my shit together and I've put my faith in one wrong place after another. A foolish girl living her life as if her happiness will climb out of a race she wins, a long run she completes, a guy she loves or job she gets. Imagine you wake up in a 5'x5' box with dirty walls and no windows and realize almost 33 years have passed. You are covered in bruises and your heart lays on the floor across the space. Your lip is bleeding and your head hurts. Everything you own and the people you love are so far away...far away enough that you know you'll never reach them even if you could get out of this box. You can see outside the box and everything you've ever dreamed of wanting, dreamed of and strived for... family, love, financial stability, acceptance and kindness.....all of those things sit outside of your locked box. You can see it but you'll never get to it.  And what's worse....you have no idea how you got here and where the time went. You realize you can't get it back and the damage is done. That's where my mind is at. Every time I think the bad stuff is over... and I am starting to heal, something else brings me back to my knees. Every time I get back on my feet, something knocks me back down. I stand back up and fix my makeup. I put on my running shoes and run it out of me. But, it always comes back...I always end up back on the floor. Everything hurts. There are people in the world that get hurt over and over again and turn into monsters. I feel that. But, I will never be that. I just love harder. I just feel more. And it's slowly destroying all the progress I've made. The girl in the box has been a repeating nightmare for years. It goes away for a little and then it comes back. It's hard to sit down and write these words. To be so vulnerable in a world that values harsh truths more than kind vulnerability. But, I am an expressive soul. And it will come out one way or another. I am lost and tired. I know that most of us are. I struggle with my purpose here. I naturally do most things with a purpose. I love hard due to knowing what it's like to not be loved. I give kindness because I know what it's like to live in harshness. I give all of me because I know what it's like to be truly alone. Brutal honestly is a gift that so many have. As much as I appreciate how honest the world can be...it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. That I don't absorb it and keep it. I am sponge. An empathetic sponge and a powerhouse of people pleasing tendancies. I absorb it all and have a hard time letting it go. I am getting so heavy carrying it all around. How do you continue from here? Your limited box of tools is sitting outside of your imaginary box you're stuck in...you have nothing but your brokenness to keep you warm. And you're convinced that you are the only one who feels like this. But, then you remember....the world is full of pain. It's full of broken people....broken people just trying to pick themselves up and continue on pretending everything is fine. The world seems to be separated by those who do good with their pain....and those who get lost to it.  And I try so desperately to do what I can to redirect all this hurt. I write, I draw, run and then run some more. I try and make those who hurt, feel better. Most days I feel like I am winning this fight. Days like today...leave little to see what's worth fighting for. What's important to remember is that box you're in....is an illusion. The truth is, there is no box. Our minds are a powerful tool. It can literally convince you there is no happy ending for you in the best of situations and convince you there is one, in the worst of situations. If you let it, negativity will incapsulate your entire mind and leave you feeling like you're in the dark. So, I've taken the time this week to do some of the things that usually bring me happiness. I keep fighting everyday to pull myself out of the dark. And I know that eventually, the sun will come back out. Or maybe it could snow....and give me that beautiful and clean slate.