I woke up humming an old devotional song from youth group... "...oh lord prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true......" I grabbed a glass of water and crawled back into bed. It was the first night I had slept more than an hour in 6 days. It was restless. But, it was something. A couple moments of reprieve from my 6 days....25 years of a cruel teeter totter...weariness clung to my bones. I fell back into a fitful sleep.
I knew it as soon as my phone went off. I heard the ring pierce the air. [ Milwaukie, OR] I answer "Hello." It wasn't a question. It was more of a permission for them to proceed with the reason they called. " Is this Ashley?" "Yes" ....." I am sorry to inform you that Paula passed away about 15 minutes ago." Silence. More Silence. Finally, my response is ..."15 minutes ago? And you are just now calling me?" ... the conversation ended with her offering me the name of a grief counselor and a lock of my mothers hair." I remember walking to my closet and grabbing a pair of soft socks and tugging them onto my feet. I went up stairs and sat on the couch. The book on natural remedies was still laying out on the table from my research the night before, next to the Netflix DVD's I needed to return. I had stayed up until 3 AM searching different remedies for liver failure while Fringe played in the background. As if I was going to do what doctors hadn't been able to do and what my mother had no desire to do. She died 19 hours after I got her into hospice. I had spent the last 6 days at the hospital and had needed food, shower and some rest. It's like...the moment I stepped away with her she took it as permission to let go.
Before the sun AM
March 3, 2017