Catching Fire in a Downpour

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Dear 4:30 AM-

I appreciate that you showed up this morning. I truly do. I know that you have a purpose for me. But, I am having trouble seeing it through the buckets of cold rain coming from a dark sky. I know that you want me to leave my safe haven of warm blankets.  But, I can’t remember why.  The parts of my body that aren’t covered in blankets are already cold and my eyes are heavy. Every ounce of me wants to sleep for 2…maybe 3 more hours. On the living room table my  reflective vest, a headlamp, and my running clothes wait for me and the coffee pot has already made my coffee.  I can smell the hazelnut coffee thru the heater vents. Mmmm. Heat. It’s warm here.  Now begins the conversation I have in my head of “maybe I do need to rest” or “I could just run after work.” It can be so easy in the dark hours of the morning, to talk yourself out of something that was so important to you the night before. It can be so easy to stay comfortable. In the world we live in today…where everything is about how convenient it is or how can we cut corners to make this easier… no one would blame me for staying in bed. But, that’s not true. I would. I would blame me.  If I waited till after work to run…I would have ALL day to talk myself out of it. All day of that groggy, heavy feeling that is usually alleviated by going out for even a short run in the morning.

Every morning for the last 2 weeks I have struggled----Struggled to get out of bed in time to run. This transition from chasing the sunrise to starting and ending my run in the dark has been harder this year. Maybe it’s from feeling the discouragement that tired achy muscle dysfunctions bring. Maybe, it’s the strain of being the only one in my family that likes my running. No matter the reason...it’s time to revisit the reason I do this. Remember the things that make this so important to me.

I have been working on this blog post for about a week or so and couldn't seem to finish it up. Probably due to the fact that I hadn't really found a way to re-light that fire. The fire that helps you push thru those cold dark mornings. And then Saturday happened. 

Saturday morning I had plans to go out for a group run with Territory. My alarm went off at 5 AM and immediately I could hear it. It was pouring down rain. For a minute I laid there wondering if maybe I should just stay home. Maybe I could have a GOT marathon or there are multiple things around the house that need to be cleaned and organized. MAYBE it would be more productive to stay home. The anxiety I had due to the fact that I would be running with other runners who might be faster than me… was absolutely paralyzing. I tried using every excuse in the book to avoid an uncomfortable situation just because I was so anxious. But, somehow I got myself out the door and headed toward the trailhead. When I arrived at the Eagle Creek Trailhead and the other group was running a little behind…I let my anxiety of holding up a group of 20 people with my slowness, get the best of me. I decided it would be best for me and everyone else…to go out a head and just meet up with the group at the turn around. Once I hit the trail… I felt amazing. I felt free. Everything was working correctly and even though it was still pouring, it was beautiful. The fog was incredible and clung to the trees. The air smelled clean and the mud made me feel like a kid. And then I remembered. I remembered why I was out there. There’s a certain beauty in a self made adventure. Knowing you are 5 miles in on some of the most beautiful views that Oregon has to offer and most people are probably still at home, lounging in their PJ’s.
  The anxiety crept back in when I met up with the group. Most of these runners I only “knew” on social media. I felt like a sitting duck-suddenly I thought maybe I should just run the trail back to the car. Maybe go it alone. That’s gotta be better than being the pip squeak in the back fighting to keep up. But, I fought the urge to flee and stayed with the group and I am so glad that I did. Turns out I am not that slow. I am however extremely clumsy and took a very embarrassing spill, but I survived. The world didn't end because I drew unnecessary attention to myself. One of the things I’ll take from this run is that community is so important. Running alone so much can be very therapeutic but you can get lost in your own head.  Going it alone can be so isolating. Something that was said to me was… “You are not a slow runner. It sounds to me like you still think you are the runner you were a year ago and not the runner who took an hour off her Marathon time.” Amazing... Such a small thought…but it shifted my entire perspective. Having that community on Saturday re-lit a fire that I was having trouble lighting this rainy fall season. It reminded me about the best parts of the running community… empowering each other and lifting each other up. You never know how much someone is struggling and what a few words can really do to change everything.

*ie; 4/24/2016- IG "4:30am- it's cold and dark. Eyes & limbs are heavy. Impatience and defeat cling to me. It would be easier to stay in bed. No one would really blame me. With all the constant reminders of a long running season with little recovery, lingering on my limbs. Rest might be better. I could justify that. But the rest of my day would be a not so quiet taunting in the back of my brain that I skipped my run when I was perfectly capable of getting it done. So, I put on my dorky head lamp and hi-viz sitch and threw on my shoes. Not until I stepped outside did the rain start to fall... almost as if to test my commitment to getting this run done…"