I’ve taken a few days to process my 26.68 Marathon on
Sunday. I can now walk down stairs correctly and sit for more than 5 minutes
before I have to get up and walk it out. EVERYTHING on me hurt.
My goal had been to attain a sub 4
hour Marathon time or to at the very least PR on both my overall marathon time and
my Portland Marathon time. I got the PR’s but I really really wanted the sub 4
hours. In the end I was 3 minutes and 19 seconds over. When I crossed the
finish line I should’ve been proud of myself. I should’ve been basking in the
glory of my 25 PR’s race and segment PR’s. But I had wanted that sub 4 so bad
that it kinda drowned out all of the things I DID accomplish at first. I could blame it on the piriformis/hip pain I
had been dealing with for weeks leading up to the marathon. I could blame it on
the 2 ultras, a marathon, a relay and a few halfsies that I have ran since May.
I could blame it on the fact that it was a torrential down pour during the race
from start to finish. I could also blame it on the fact that early on in the
race the course was off by a half of a mile and from the 5K mark on…it severely
messed with my head. But, in the end I need to just be happy with the ending I
got. A couple of things I should’ve been thinking as I crossed the finish line…
My goal had been to attain a sub 4
hour Marathon time or to at the very least PR on both my overall marathon time and
my Portland Marathon time. I got the PR’s but I really really wanted the sub 4
hours. In the end I was 3 minutes and 19 seconds over. When I crossed the
finish line I should’ve been proud of myself. I should’ve been basking in the
glory of my 25 PR’s race and segment PR’s. But I had wanted that sub 4 so bad
that it kinda drowned out all of the things I DID accomplish at first. I could blame it on the piriformis/hip pain I
had been dealing with for weeks leading up to the marathon. I could blame it on
the 2 ultras, a marathon, a relay and a few halfsies that I have ran since May.
I could blame it on the fact that it was a torrential down pour during the race
from start to finish. I could also blame it on the fact that early on in the
race the course was off by a half of a mile and from the 5K mark on…it severely
messed with my head. But, in the end I need to just be happy with the ending I
got. A couple of things I should’ve been thinking as I crossed the finish line…
1.
Whoo Hooooooo
2.
I just beat my Marathon PR by 12 minutes
3.
I just beat my Portland Marathon PR by over an
hour.
4.
Where is the food?
5.
Beer. I need beer.
Instead of …
1.
Jesus that was 26.68 miles…did I just run an
Ultra today? Why was the effing course longer than 26.2!
2.
Oh God, I didn’t get under 4 hours
3.
Are my legs still attached? Don’t look down!
4.
I can’t believe I didn’t hit my goal
5.
I failed.
6.
Why did I tell EVERYONE over and over again what
my goal was?
Your mind really is your worst enemy and sometimes we forgets the FACTS. LUCKILY… I have an amazing running community…and those who seem to know me well and as they were following along KNEW how I was going to feel when I fell short of my goal. I already had messages on my phone telling me I should be proud of myself for what I had done today. And then when I opened my strava I had a HUGE list of PR’s including but not limited to…
1.
10K Record
2.
15K Record
3.
10 Mi Record
4.
20K Record
5.
Half Marathon Record
6.
30K Record
7.
Full Marathon Record
So, feeling sorry for myself at this point seemed pretty
darn silly. At the end of the day I had worked harder than I have ever worked
before in my life…including the ultras that I had done this year. I had never
pushed myself so hard. And… I walked away from that race feeling like I
literally gave it everything I had. IF it had been the perfect day…if everything
would’ve gone my way…I would’ve definitely been able to meet my goal. And I
still had an amazing race. Aside from my training run on the course a couple
weeks before the marathon…I had never ran up the St. Johns bridge hill. I
always walked it…and dropped F bombs the whole way. This time I ran all the way
up that baby monster hill and only dropped a couple F bombs. I am not going to say
that it didn’t hurt. Because…that would be a lie. I might have got a little
emotional as I came across the bridge and saw my sweet friend Millie out there
taking pictures. I was in pain and had just thought about the fact that I still
had around 8 more miles to go. The mind games started early. Lucky for me…. I
had a lot of support out there. Not only was Millie there at the bridge but I
knew that just before the 20 mile mark…I would have my Eastwind Running family
waiting for me with smiles and coke! At about mile 22ish I saw Millie again..which
would be the last time I would see anyone I knew. I tried hard to not get stuck
in my mind…and how I was supposed to have a “pacer” to get me thru that last
stretch…but that security blanket had fallen thru. I was going to have to power
thru and dig deep on my own. I focused hard on not acknowledging the pain that I was in. And
when that didn’t work..I used that pain to propel me forward.
The last 4 miles
felt longer than they ever had. I felt absolutely alone. The dark side of my mind
was having a hay day with me. I had used
up all my gas…and was running on fumes. Both glutes and my lower back were constantly
cramping…sharp sharp pains shooting down the back of my legs. And the back of
my shorts had rubbed skin off my tail bone. But, for the first time ever during
a marathon my feet didn’t hurt at all. God bless my Kinvara’s!( To think …I
almost bought a different pair of shoes 2 weeks prior to the marathon. So
grateful that I didn’t. ) Even though in my mind there was a HUGE battle of
wanting to quit and wanting to PR.... and then that moment I realized at mile 25 or (25.5) that I wasn’t
going to make my goal…I felt that pain of disappointment. That pain of regret…of
wishing I could’ve pushed harder up the hills…a sob caught in my throat and I felt
the tears fill my eyes. I turned to my right and there was a guy who looked
like he was in just as much pain as me. And we both smiled and shook our heads.
And for some reason… just that subtle acknowledgement that I wasn’t alone…that
someone else was here in my suffering gave me that last little boost I needed
to get me thru to the end. And to top off that moment…. A photographer captured
it. And you can see it on our faces… the pain and the relief that we weren’t alone.
I mean, obviously I don’t know what he was thinking-for all I know …I had food
on my face or had crazy hair or maybe he was thinking about bacon… buuuuuut we will just go with my perception of
the sitch.
So, feeling sorry for myself at this point seemed pretty
darn silly. At the end of the day I had worked harder than I have ever worked
before in my life…including the ultras that I had done this year. I had never
pushed myself so hard. And… I walked away from that race feeling like I
literally gave it everything I had. IF it had been the perfect day…if everything
would’ve gone my way…I would’ve definitely been able to meet my goal. And I
still had an amazing race. Aside from my training run on the course a couple
weeks before the marathon…I had never ran up the St. Johns bridge hill. I
always walked it…and dropped F bombs the whole way. This time I ran all the way
up that baby monster hill and only dropped a couple F bombs. I am not going to say
that it didn’t hurt. Because…that would be a lie. I might have got a little
emotional as I came across the bridge and saw my sweet friend Millie out there
taking pictures. I was in pain and had just thought about the fact that I still
had around 8 more miles to go. The mind games started early. Lucky for me…. I
had a lot of support out there. Not only was Millie there at the bridge but I
knew that just before the 20 mile mark…I would have my Eastwind Running family
waiting for me with smiles and coke! At about mile 22ish I saw Millie again..which
would be the last time I would see anyone I knew. I tried hard to not get stuck
in my mind…and how I was supposed to have a “pacer” to get me thru that last
stretch…but that security blanket had fallen thru. I was going to have to power
thru and dig deep on my own. I focused hard on not acknowledging the pain that I was in. And
when that didn’t work..I used that pain to propel me forward.
The last 4 miles felt longer than they ever had. I felt absolutely alone. The dark side of my mind was having a hay day with me. I had used up all my gas…and was running on fumes. Both glutes and my lower back were constantly cramping…sharp sharp pains shooting down the back of my legs. And the back of my shorts had rubbed skin off my tail bone. But, for the first time ever during a marathon my feet didn’t hurt at all. God bless my Kinvara’s!( To think …I almost bought a different pair of shoes 2 weeks prior to the marathon. So grateful that I didn’t. ) Even though in my mind there was a HUGE battle of wanting to quit and wanting to PR.... and then that moment I realized at mile 25 or (25.5) that I wasn’t going to make my goal…I felt that pain of disappointment. That pain of regret…of wishing I could’ve pushed harder up the hills…a sob caught in my throat and I felt the tears fill my eyes. I turned to my right and there was a guy who looked like he was in just as much pain as me. And we both smiled and shook our heads. And for some reason… just that subtle acknowledgement that I wasn’t alone…that someone else was here in my suffering gave me that last little boost I needed to get me thru to the end. And to top off that moment…. A photographer captured it. And you can see it on our faces… the pain and the relief that we weren’t alone. I mean, obviously I don’t know what he was thinking-for all I know …I had food on my face or had crazy hair or maybe he was thinking about bacon… buuuuuut we will just go with my perception of the sitch.
It took me a little bit but I am really proud of what I
accomplished and though I am nowhere near where I want to be …. I know that I
have come such a long ways! I ended my day with a pumpkin stout, pepperoni pineapple
and jalapeño pizza, Ben & Jerry’s and Izombie.
I thought this would be my last Portland Marathon…but let’s
be honest, I still have some unfinished business.
Portland Marathon
2015- 5:09:59
Glad you were able to appreciate your accomplishments after a little time passed. I've let not achieving specific time goals ruin two races for me now, and I hope to never get that caught up on a time ever again. Sometimes it's good to have a little unfinished business because that keeps the fire burning hot. I'm also glad your Kinvaras treated you well. I LOVE those shoes.
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