I struggled with how to start this... honestly, I struggled on how to even title it. I gave up and went short and sweet. I would say this is my second attempt at training for 100 miler that was interrupted but the craziness of 2020...but, I think I have been training for it since I could run-or since I realized I needed that burn in my legs like I need oxygen. And after I conquer this feat...I will start towards my next goal. It's not a matter of ...I started training for a "blank" in January. It's that I am an ever changing woman who wants to constantly be improving and growing. The journey didn't just start...this is just my next pin on the map.
I am addicted to the journey. Like planning a tattoo...it's almost sad when it's over. Like watching a drawing come together...all those hours spent in building and planning. Then, it's over and I am left wanting. I am left mourning the loss of that journey. So, I keep moving-I keep progressing and seeking out new mountains to climb and new oceans to swim. The irony is I hate swimming. It's terrifying. The risk is so great ... you could drown or be swept away. But, the alternative is sitting on shore watching the birds fly and the ships set out. I won't be left behind. With the risk of sounding like an insane wanderlust thirsty animal...I will be the one who sets out first. I will find the next hidden Island. It doesn't matter to me that no one else is headed that way. That almost fuels me more...like a giant magnate I am pulled in the opposite direction of the masses. I refuse to believe that binge watching shows, spending money I don't have and looking for the approval at a job who may never see your worth or from people who will always judge you...is what this life is all about. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that my hair looks nice, or that I am skinny enough...and god forbid I get older---- and older. I will run fast and climb greedily towards the next ridiculous mountain that calls my name. For a moment, I won't care that I don't look like the women in magazines. I won't care that I don't have kids or care about the things " I should care about." I am just a girl pushing her mind and body so close to the breaking point that when I've finished here... my beautiful strong temple will be well used ...to move mountains with a grateful grateful heart.
I've always felt the magnitude and the loss of my past. I know that what my life looked like wasn't what it was. I know that I deserved better and the cards I was given were lacking. I know that when old enough, I made decisions I wish I could go back and change. I can't control a lot of things...this I learned more early than necessary. I can't control this thirst for something more. This hunger for the uncomfortable and the almost unattainable. I can control what I do with that pull. I control what I do with it. And that's enough for me.
A little heavy for my first post back in almost a year. I find comfort in being vulnerable. And I guess I was in need of a little comfort.