Catching Fire in a Downpour

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Dear 4:30 AM-

I appreciate that you showed up this morning. I truly do. I know that you have a purpose for me. But, I am having trouble seeing it through the buckets of cold rain coming from a dark sky. I know that you want me to leave my safe haven of warm blankets.  But, I can’t remember why.  The parts of my body that aren’t covered in blankets are already cold and my eyes are heavy. Every ounce of me wants to sleep for 2…maybe 3 more hours. On the living room table my  reflective vest, a headlamp, and my running clothes wait for me and the coffee pot has already made my coffee.  I can smell the hazelnut coffee thru the heater vents. Mmmm. Heat. It’s warm here.  Now begins the conversation I have in my head of “maybe I do need to rest” or “I could just run after work.” It can be so easy in the dark hours of the morning, to talk yourself out of something that was so important to you the night before. It can be so easy to stay comfortable. In the world we live in today…where everything is about how convenient it is or how can we cut corners to make this easier… no one would blame me for staying in bed. But, that’s not true. I would. I would blame me.  If I waited till after work to run…I would have ALL day to talk myself out of it. All day of that groggy, heavy feeling that is usually alleviated by going out for even a short run in the morning.

Every morning for the last 2 weeks I have struggled----Struggled to get out of bed in time to run. This transition from chasing the sunrise to starting and ending my run in the dark has been harder this year. Maybe it’s from feeling the discouragement that tired achy muscle dysfunctions bring. Maybe, it’s the strain of being the only one in my family that likes my running. No matter the reason...it’s time to revisit the reason I do this. Remember the things that make this so important to me.

I have been working on this blog post for about a week or so and couldn't seem to finish it up. Probably due to the fact that I hadn't really found a way to re-light that fire. The fire that helps you push thru those cold dark mornings. And then Saturday happened. 

Saturday morning I had plans to go out for a group run with Territory. My alarm went off at 5 AM and immediately I could hear it. It was pouring down rain. For a minute I laid there wondering if maybe I should just stay home. Maybe I could have a GOT marathon or there are multiple things around the house that need to be cleaned and organized. MAYBE it would be more productive to stay home. The anxiety I had due to the fact that I would be running with other runners who might be faster than me… was absolutely paralyzing. I tried using every excuse in the book to avoid an uncomfortable situation just because I was so anxious. But, somehow I got myself out the door and headed toward the trailhead. When I arrived at the Eagle Creek Trailhead and the other group was running a little behind…I let my anxiety of holding up a group of 20 people with my slowness, get the best of me. I decided it would be best for me and everyone else…to go out a head and just meet up with the group at the turn around. Once I hit the trail… I felt amazing. I felt free. Everything was working correctly and even though it was still pouring, it was beautiful. The fog was incredible and clung to the trees. The air smelled clean and the mud made me feel like a kid. And then I remembered. I remembered why I was out there. There’s a certain beauty in a self made adventure. Knowing you are 5 miles in on some of the most beautiful views that Oregon has to offer and most people are probably still at home, lounging in their PJ’s.
  The anxiety crept back in when I met up with the group. Most of these runners I only “knew” on social media. I felt like a sitting duck-suddenly I thought maybe I should just run the trail back to the car. Maybe go it alone. That’s gotta be better than being the pip squeak in the back fighting to keep up. But, I fought the urge to flee and stayed with the group and I am so glad that I did. Turns out I am not that slow. I am however extremely clumsy and took a very embarrassing spill, but I survived. The world didn't end because I drew unnecessary attention to myself. One of the things I’ll take from this run is that community is so important. Running alone so much can be very therapeutic but you can get lost in your own head.  Going it alone can be so isolating. Something that was said to me was… “You are not a slow runner. It sounds to me like you still think you are the runner you were a year ago and not the runner who took an hour off her Marathon time.” Amazing... Such a small thought…but it shifted my entire perspective. Having that community on Saturday re-lit a fire that I was having trouble lighting this rainy fall season. It reminded me about the best parts of the running community… empowering each other and lifting each other up. You never know how much someone is struggling and what a few words can really do to change everything.

*ie; 4/24/2016- IG "4:30am- it's cold and dark. Eyes & limbs are heavy. Impatience and defeat cling to me. It would be easier to stay in bed. No one would really blame me. With all the constant reminders of a long running season with little recovery, lingering on my limbs. Rest might be better. I could justify that. But the rest of my day would be a not so quiet taunting in the back of my brain that I skipped my run when I was perfectly capable of getting it done. So, I put on my dorky head lamp and hi-viz sitch and threw on my shoes. Not until I stepped outside did the rain start to fall... almost as if to test my commitment to getting this run done…"

Portland (Ultra) Marathon 2016 ----->26.7 Anyone?

I’ve taken a few days to process my 26.68 Marathon on Sunday. I can now walk down stairs correctly and sit for more than 5 minutes before I have to get up and walk it out. EVERYTHING on me hurt. 

My goal had been to attain a sub 4 hour Marathon time or to at the very least PR on both my overall marathon time and my Portland Marathon time. I got the PR’s but I really really wanted the sub 4 hours. In the end I was 3 minutes and 19 seconds over. When I crossed the finish line I should’ve been proud of myself. I should’ve been basking in the glory of my 25 PR’s race and segment PR’s. But I had wanted that sub 4 so bad that it kinda drowned out all of the things I DID accomplish at first.  I could blame it on the piriformis/hip pain I had been dealing with for weeks leading up to the marathon. I could blame it on the 2 ultras, a marathon, a relay and a few halfsies that I have ran since May. I could blame it on the fact that it was a torrential down pour during the race from start to finish. I could also blame it on the fact that early on in the race the course was off by a half of a mile and from the 5K mark on…it severely messed with my head. But, in the end I need to just be happy with the ending I got. A couple of things I should’ve been thinking as I crossed the finish line…

1.       Whoo Hooooooo
2.       I just beat my Marathon PR by 12 minutes
3.       I just beat my Portland Marathon PR by over an hour.
4.       Where is the food?
5.       Beer. I need beer.
 Instead of …
1.       Jesus that was 26.68 miles…did I just run an Ultra today? Why was the effing course longer than 26.2!
2.       Oh God, I didn’t get under 4 hours
3.       Are my legs still attached? Don’t look down!
4.       I can’t believe I didn’t hit my goal
5.       I failed.
6.       Why did I tell EVERYONE over and over again what my goal was?
 

Your mind really is your worst enemy and sometimes we forgets the FACTS. LUCKILY… I have an amazing running community…and those who seem to know me well and as they were following along KNEW how I was going to feel when I fell short of my goal. I already had messages on my phone telling me I should be proud of myself for what I had done today. And then when I opened my strava I had a HUGE list of PR’s including but not limited to…

 1.       10K Record
2.       15K Record
3.       10 Mi Record
4.       20K Record
5.       Half Marathon Record
6.       30K Record
7.       Full Marathon Record

 So, feeling sorry for myself at this point seemed pretty darn silly. At the end of the day I had worked harder than I have ever worked before in my life…including the ultras that I had done this year. I had never pushed myself so hard. And… I walked away from that race feeling like I literally gave it everything I had. IF it had been the perfect day…if everything would’ve gone my way…I would’ve definitely been able to meet my goal. And I still had an amazing race. Aside from my training run on the course a couple weeks before the marathon…I had never ran up the St. Johns bridge hill. I always walked it…and dropped F bombs the whole way. This time I ran all the way up that baby monster hill and only dropped a couple F bombs. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt. Because…that would be a lie. I might have got a little emotional as I came across the bridge and saw my sweet friend Millie out there taking pictures. I was in pain and had just thought about the fact that I still had around 8 more miles to go. The mind games started early. Lucky for me…. I had a lot of support out there. Not only was Millie there at the bridge but I knew that just before the 20 mile mark…I would have my Eastwind Running family waiting for me with smiles and coke! At about mile 22ish I saw Millie again..which would be the last time I would see anyone I knew. I tried hard to not get stuck in my mind…and how I was supposed to have a “pacer” to get me thru that last stretch…but that security blanket had fallen thru. I was going to have to power thru and dig deep on my own. I focused hard on not acknowledging the pain that I was in. And when that didn’t work..I used that pain to propel me forward. 

The last 4 miles felt longer than they ever had. I felt absolutely alone. The dark side of my mind was having a hay day with me.  I had used up all my gas…and was running on fumes. Both glutes and my lower back were constantly cramping…sharp sharp pains shooting down the back of my legs. And the back of my shorts had rubbed skin off my tail bone. But, for the first time ever during a marathon my feet didn’t hurt at all. God bless my Kinvara’s!( To think …I almost bought a different pair of shoes 2 weeks prior to the marathon. So grateful that I didn’t. ) Even though in my mind there was a HUGE battle of wanting to quit and wanting to PR.... and then that moment I realized at mile 25 or (25.5) that I wasn’t going to make my goal…I felt that pain of disappointment. That pain of regret…of wishing I could’ve pushed harder up the hills…a sob caught in my throat and I felt the tears fill my eyes. I turned to my right and there was a guy who looked like he was in just as much pain as me. And we both smiled and shook our heads. And for some reason… just that subtle acknowledgement that I wasn’t alone…that someone else was here in my suffering gave me that last little boost I needed to get me thru to the end. And to top off that moment…. A photographer captured it. And you can see it on our faces… the pain and the relief that we weren’t alone. I mean, obviously I don’t know what he was thinking-for all I know …I had food on my face or had crazy hair or maybe he was thinking about bacon… buuuuuut we will just go with my perception of the sitch. 

 It took me a little bit but I am really proud of what I accomplished and though I am nowhere near where I want to be …. I know that I have come such a long ways! I ended my day with a pumpkin stout, pepperoni pineapple and jalapeño pizza, Ben & Jerry’s and Izombie.
 I thought this would be my last Portland Marathon…but let’s be honest, I still have some unfinished business.
    
  

*Past Portland Marathon times:

                Portland Marathon 2015- 5:09:59

                       Portland Marathon 2013- 5:03:30

            Portland Marathon 2012- 5:21:07

*For now it says that my time was about 4:08....but I went with my time at the 26.2 mark...since everyone on strava seemed to be over the distance as well. Also, submitted a time correction to the Portland Marathon for the 4:03:18.

Like A Boss

Mt. Hood- Timberline Paradise Loop

How to “Trail Run Adventure” like a boss

1. Get up when your alarm goes off at 4AM -Half the battle…Nailed it.

2. Ok, wait…did you pack your bag the night before? Because, then you for real nailed it.

3. Carpool…because of the earth and no one likes driving an hour and a half alone. I mean maybe some people do but I think it’s boring.

4. Go back to before carpooling and make sure you grab coffee…otherwise no one will wanna carpool with you if you are little miss crabby pants.

5. Fall down within the first 2.5 miles….that way you are covered in dirt early. It’s sure to make you look like a bad ass. 

6. Don’t get too jazzed about the downhill. If you are going downhill-chances are you are going to have to go back up. 

7. Never underestimate a hill from far away. It will hurt. It will suck. And no matter how much you beg, no one will carry you. Nope, not even a little piggy back ride. So it's better to just pretend it doesn't hurt. Or...I find that repeatedly dropping F bombs seem to reallllly help you up those killer hills. If tears start to creep....pretend you are overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. But do it in a bad ass way. Like maybe rub some dirt on your face or something. 

8. Water from your pack will always taste better out in the woods then it will in your kitchen. So, pay no mind to that plastic like taste. It will taste like nectar of the gods after 2600 ft elevation gain over the course of 12 miles. 

9. Leave your super stylish cutesy ankle socks at home. Unless, you really love the feeling of hundreds of tiny pebbles in your socks. If you aren’t super stoked at that thought….put on the even more stylish mid shin socks. BAM. 

10. If you think you see bear prints sitting next to piles of berry poo…don’t shake it off and say it’s probably a huge dog. It is probably a bear. 

11. If you happen to see someone squatting in the woods…dont assume they're resting or picking wild flowers...don’t smile or make eye contact. Just keep on walking. It’s rude to stare. 

12. Get out of the way for the thru hikers. Honestly, your 12 miles with a little pack is probably nothing compared to their trek with their 50 lb pack. Don't be a douche.

13. When you pass the big trail guide groups of spunky older peeps that smell like sun block and coffee…resist urge to pat them on the head. Just move to the side and let them pass. Show some respect. Sheesh!

14. Leave no trace. And I mean it. If you drop so much as a safety pin…where ever you are, I will find you. And I will make you carry it.   Unless, you are faster than me. Then, I will just carry it for you…but I WONT be happy about it. 

15. If one finds themselves depleted of energy stores near the end of said trail run and you are having to walk the last bit…make sure you start running .25 from the car…no one needs to know of said struggle. 

16. Replenish energy stores with beer and wings with a side of pizza. 

17. Fill all of your friends Facebook feeds with an obnoxious amount of photos you took on your adventure. It will drive them nuts. 

18. Continue to post a picture from your trip once a day for the next few days. Don’t worry. Not EVERYONE will hide you from their feed. 

19. Do it all over again at the very next opportunity. 

20. All of this is much more fun with friends. So, get some friends who are just as nuts as you. 

Munra Point --->I am not scared of heights ... Yes, I am lying.

                            

My "scared time to turn back" face. 

Back in May I decided to go for a trail run with a slight detour up to Munra Point. It was pouring down rain and didn't really know where I was going (just the general area)...but it still seemed like a great idea. I had seen all of the pictures online and wanted to see it in person. Plus, how hard can it be? Right? Well, it's not so much that it was difficult...I mean it was, but difficult I can do. It was the height. Apparently, I am a little sensitive to abrupt cliffs that drop off into the unknown-->meh, not really unknown...I mean...I know the ground is down there somewhere...it's just that I would rather not hit it face first.  I am not a cat. I almost never land on my feet. Well, I crawled my way up the mini waterfall that was the path due to heavy rain. I got to the first "chimney" out of 2...and I had to turn back. Well, I didn't have to but honestly...I got scared. I was alone. I hadn't seen people in a long time and it was pouring down rain. I just kept thinking..."If I fall no one would even know and I would  miss my upcoming ultra." Super rational thinking, I know. I ended up having a minor internal panic attack and turned back down the way I came...scooting on my toosh for the steepest parts. That being said...I am returning this afternoon to make it to the spiny ridges at the top. Here's hoping it all goes to plan! I'll update when I get back from making it to the top. Because, I am gonna. Stupid heights....but gotta get up high to see the prettiest views. 

UPDATE:

There's so much I wanna say about this trip in the gorge....but I think the pictures really tell it all. The first time I attempted this...apparently, I was only about 30 feet from the top. That makes me cringe just thinking how close I was. I don't like heights. I don't hate them tho. I LOVE them for the perspective it can put me with the rest of the world. Helps me see what I wouldn't otherwise be able to see from the ground. And for that I am so grateful. But, there is a switch in my brain that makes me go from super tough (meh semi tough) trail runner to "OMG I am going to die...this is the end" and this switch gets activated when I am high up and surrounded by cliffs. Needless to say, coming back and facing this stupid fear that I am intent on kicking to the curb, was kind of a big deal. This visit was a lot more enjoyable then last time. Last time I was running in the rain...and I was having an emotional day. So, to top off being in a super dark place...I decided that an impromptu visit to scary Munra Point was a good idea. Plus, I love mud. How bad could it be. This time...it was a planned venture with running friends. Having others with me who were encouraging and striving for the same thing...made it much easier to face my ridiculous, over the top...super debilitating fear of heights. It's not the fear that makes me attempt to karate chop a tiny spider and shreak out loud. It's the kind of fear that makes my insides go dark and every confident thought and moment I have ever had disappears while that fear is there. Dementors! Yes...heights for me are like dementors. Ok, I have said enough...my nerd is showing. Basically, it was a fantastic trek up to the top of Munra Point and I cant wait find another way to face this pesky fear...because my love of mountains and views isn't ever going away. Super grateful that Ryan and Millie were there to share in the adventure.

Disclaimer: There may not be any dirt left there...I think I took it all with me.

That little speck was having one hell of a battle in her mind at that time

Why I Love My Home Trail

Lacamas Lake Heritage Trail and Round Lake
Camas, Washington


Only 8 Miles from home and a 15 minute drive it’s a perfect substitute mid week for a trail run when I can’t make it out to the gorge. My spot is almost always open. I park my car under the huge maple trees and stow away the valuables. Before I even get out of the car I can smell the Camas paper mill. Luckily that smell disappears once you hit the trail and it’s replaced with the smell of warm blackberries. Depending on how hot the day is…I’ll bring my pack. I don’t always need it since the 7 mile out and back trail has water at both ends.  This trail has its regulars. There’s a woman who is always there. She walks back and forth for hours ---always on a mission and never makes eye contact. But, still I smile and try to catch her eye. I always wonder what’s on her mind…if she is hurting or just focused. The older very fit gentleman with the black lab waves every time. On cool days I see him get his run in and then go back for the pup and then they run together.  Some residence from the mansions bordering part of the trail 2 miles in- carrying cups of coffee in hand for a morning stroll with a golden retriever. A woman …maybe late 40’s who every time I see her, she is faster and thinner. She always smiles and waves.  And my favorite regular is a man in his late 80’s who walks the trail…he smiles big and tips his hat to me every time. I don’t know that I have ever seen a happier man. There are the people who smile in response to a smile and then the people who ARE the smile. That’s him.  You’ve got the nodders, eyebrow lifters, wavers, smilers, grunters, and the ones who don’t seem to see anything but the trail. Depending on my effort level at the time…I am the half smile gal who does a 3 finger lift as a wave.

I’ve run this trail so many times…I know each hill, turn and dip. I know what miles have the tree roots breaking through the ground and which parts have water running off the side. I know that if I go 2 miles in I should be able to get a good view of Mt. Hood and at 3 miles you can find blue herons chilling among the lily pads. After all of the hours I have put in on this fairly “easy” trail…it still amazes me that sometimes I crush it and other times it throws humble pie in my face.  This trail offers 2 sections.  Both are relatively mild on the difficulty scale. There is the Lacamas Heritage out and back trail and then the Lacamas Round Lake Trail that has several intersecting trails with a good size climb and some beautiful waterfalls.  Coming here feels like home. The ground is squishy and the rocks are mossy. The trees shade me from the heat and the lake glitters. I can spend a whole day chasing mountains but still feel like I am not completely home. When I step onto the trails at Lacamas I feel it. It’s comfortable. No awkwardness.  Like coming home for Christmas or sitting in your favorite spot at your favorite coffee shop. Your family may drive you nuts and the coffee may not always taste great…but it’s familiar. The person I was the first time I stepped on the trail at Lacamas Lake is a very different person than I am now. I am strong now….I now know how to push myself and though Lacamas Lake is no longer enough to fill my adventure cup…I still love to revisit that feeling of relief…the feeling of coming home. This is where my journey of trail running began. It opened a door to something I didn’t know existed. It didn’t prepare me for what is out there in the mountains but it did light a much needed fire in a cold room.  I showed up on this Lakes doorstep almost 4 years ago broken, tired and feeling alone. It took me in and as it slowly created a foundation to bigger things…I became a stronger person. Snow, rain, sun and fire season….I’ve been here for all of it. I’ve been 3 miles in and caught in a down pour with only thunder and lightning to keep me company.  I’ve watched the sunrise against a lake clouded in forest fire smoke. I’ve been there before the sun…and woken up a family of deer resting to the left of the trail…not to mention knocking down every spider web along the way. I have drenched my calves and shins in mud and taken a plunge in the lake to avoid an over enthusiastic bicyclist. I have ran the down and back over and over again to reach a mileage goal.  I’ve welcomed runners into this place of relief and seen that for some it means just as much to them as it does to me….and others who don’t see its beauty. Growing up I was a foster kid. It was difficult to feel “at home” anywhere. Rejection filled every corner of every possible ally. But the day I stepped foot on this trail I only felt welcomed. It wasn’t a track with 5 minute mile racers. It wasn’t the road where people stared and gawked. It wasn’t a mountain that I wasn’t equipped to climb. It was a soft path with small challenges complete with runners, walkers and strollers of all levels.  I’ve experienced all season of this amazing underrated trail. My favorite will always be fall. The air gets crisp and the trail gets covered in beautiful maple leaves. The air is sweet from the last breath of the blackberry season and fog draped across the lake. This is my home trail…I love it because this is where it all began.

Comfort Zones-TerritoryRunCo Sunrise Run

Territory Run Co- Sunrise Run

Wildwood Sunrise Chase
7/20/2016
5:10AM
Once a month Sunrise run in Forest Park with the Runners of the Wild Crew

It’s 3:45 am and my alarm goes off. It’s time to get up and face the day. Thoughts fly around in my head like…”maybe resting is better” and “you‘ll be too slow to run with them” and “you don’t even know anyone there” or “It would be better if I just ran road today.”

That early in the morning it can be very easy to talk yourself out of your original plan…which is why I had a backup plan. I had asked a friend to meet me there at the trail head as well. If I bailed now…that would make me a bad friend.

I am what you would call a shy extrovert. I love to be with people and do things in groups. But, when I first meet someone I am awkward,dorky and loud. I usually repeat the same thing over and over again because I can’t get my nerves to stop freaking out. I’ll say “Nice to meet you” trip on my own feet and bite my tongue all while trying to shake their hand. Yes, that has actually happened. Suddenly, my face is huge, my tongue is too big for my mouth and I lose the ability to form complete grown up sentence. Now, this eventually goes away after spending time with a person....and I would like to think that my awkwardness becomes endearing. But, going to this sunrise run meant that I would be running with people I had never met before….lots of them….not just 1 or 2…we are talking like 30 people I would have the chance to awkwardly trip over, spit on, or run into. So, Barb was my partner in crime to keep me from getting weirder than necessary…not to mention I love running with her. I swear I wasn’t using her.

                So Barb was coming…I needed to get my butt there. So, I hopped in my car and drove from Vancouver to downtown Portland…up Upshur to Forest Park.  Now, if you haven’t been here before it can be tricky to find…especially with the moon still shinning aggressively. Barb got lost and wasn’t there yet. I ended up standing off to the side trying not to make eye contact with anyone just in case my mouth let weird sentences fly out. I decided to stop being so caught up in my awkwardness and the fact that I was the least runner looking girl there…. And more on the fact that I was having the opportunity to start my day out with a fantastic trail run with other people who loved the trails just as much as me. I had to remind myself that I deserved to be there too---à sometimes those voices in the back of your head can be so dang loud. I mean all this is …is a FUN run. That’s all.

               After a quick announcement from Bret about not having coffee this morning for everyone we headed towards the trail. At 5:10 AM we were off… I’ve never ran a trail in the dark before…and I don’t know why but I found it kiiiiinda amazing. I loved every second of it. As we were heading up… I got a message from Barb said she was there and that she would start running. I gave her directions while running in the dark…via text… not the easiest thing to do. I thought I was in shape until I started running with everyone. I was breathing loud and tripping over my huge feet. It was beautiful tho…watching the sky get brighter and brighter as we headed up the 2.5 mile climb to Pittock Mansion. Finally, we made it up to the top and headed behind Pittock Mansion where the view of Mt. Hood and the city lay. The sun was just lighting up the sky. I looked around and everyone chatted like they’ve known each other for years. Maybe they have. At that moment…I didn’t even care that I couldn’t bring myself to start conversation with anyone. I was just taking in the view.




About 15 minutes later Barb shot around the corner and joined me. It was a fun descent down the hill with  my little running partner. As we finished up our run we noticed the announcement about the coffee was thankfully a false alarm. There was coffee (sooo good), Munk Packs (delish!) and a free Territory Trail Bandana sitch for everyone who was there. I remember sitting at my desk that day at 7am… and feeling amazing. Spending some quality time on the trail before work really changed my entire mindset of the day. I felt fulfilled. It wasn’t just the time on the trails. It was the going way out of my comfort zone that really made me feel like I had accomplished something. Such a small thing. Just a little sunrise run with people you see on face book…such a dorky accomplishment. I even managed ( I think ) to get out of there without making a dumb “Ashley Joke” …well there’s always next month’s sunrise run . For me, that is what trail running is. It takes me out of my comfort zone….and I feel like that’s the only place that I can truly develop into a stronger and better individual is by spending a good amount of time in that uncomfortable zone.  So, even though I was the least “runner looking “ girl there and close to the slowest runner…. I won’t always be. 

That’s the amazing thing about comfort zones. They are forever changing. 

Mt. Hood 50 Recap: Redemption & Coke

"Sometimes when you are in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted." Christine Caine

Who knew that running a 50k could feel so good? I didn't? If I were to base what a 50k is going to feel like off of my first one back in May... I would relate it to turning on a big oven to 4000 degrees, crawling inside and doing burpees for 9 hours in sand with cheese graters for shoes. And then being too sickly to have beer after. I literally wasted my favorite beer. Couldn't do it. About a month before Smith Rock Ascent I put my name on the waiting list for Mt. Hood 50. I was doing really well in training and was feeling really ambitious... That's because I hadn't done a 50k yet.

It's amazing how spending hours on the internet watching videos on ultra marathons can skew your view on mileage. I started thinking ..."ohhh 31 miles isn't that much...some people run 100 miles.." But, let me tell you....  it is no small feat. Maybe for someone who trains for 100K's and 100 milers...but not to me.
I wont reiterate how terrible Smith Rock was for me...I did finish...but I was destroyed mentally, emotionally and physically. If you really wanna re live that journey feel free to read the super exhilarating blog post on that nightmare.

For now, lets just rewind back to Tuesday of last week. I had been checking the wait list over and over again to see if I had moved. I went from 80th to 52nd and then all of a sudden I was 7th over a week or so. Tuesday night when I went to bed I was the next in line on the list. Wednesday morning I woke up and I was officially in. The Mt. Hood 50k was the one I really wanted to run. Next to Gorge 50k...this was a bucket list run for me. You have to start somewhere...and I wanted to start close to home. I train in the gorge where the ground is squishy and rocks are all mossy. This is where I wanted a sense of redemption. And I was in. Oh god. Oh god. I am in. I'm going to have to run another 50k... oh no no no. -------->Minor panic attack aside, I was ready. I had continued to train as if I was getting in until the weekend before. It didn't look like I was getting in and I really wanted a tough adventure. So my friend Ryan and I did a route that started at Herman Creek to PCT and a small trek up Chinidere Mountain. After 23 miles and almost 6000 ft elevation gain... my legs were toast. My quads were absolutely pissed. Not to mention I was suffering some kind of ear ache flu at the same time. It was all bad....but amazing. I will never forget that run------> and my legs weren't going to let me forget it either. Luckily, after a very very quick taper my legs felt normal by Saturday (Mt. Hood 50k Eve). Everything seemed to be working correctly and I felt great. Nervous. But, great.

My biggest fear was starting Mt. Hood 50K and being miserable the whole time..missing the beautiful parts of long distance trail running. I told myself before I started that this was my main goal... to enjoy. So, I woke up race day and had a piece of toast with butter and a Raspberry Munk Pack. Wasn't gonna not fuel this time.

RACE TIME!

I started out slow... much much slower than what I wanted to. The first 6 miles flew by. It was absolutely beautiful. The first aid station I forced myself to eat 1/4 of a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and a cup of coke and ginger ale and then I was off.  I do this thing to focus... I find a runner that is going my ideal pace and I snuggle up behind them (don't worry I have SOME boundaries....I keep a little distance)..my first "runner" was a guy with what looked like a puzzle piece man tattoo on his right calve. I followed behind him for a good 3 miles. Runner #2 was a woman who had a St. Johns Bridge tattoo on her left calve. Runner #3 was a really tall man who had ran the 50 miler the day before. I remember sending up a little prayer that he would do well because his early zombie shuffle made me nervous for him. After the 2nd aid station I started to struggle up a good size hill...and found my 4th runner. Her name is Bobi Jo and she was great. She asked me lots of questions and it kinda took my mind of the brutal climb. One of my favorite parts of running is the community. I love feeling like someones always got my back out there....complete strangers that are like family. Something that gave me a huge pep in my step was 3 different people yelling out "SMASH" on the course. ----> I guess more people follow my Instagram than I thought:)

As I came rolling into the aid station at the turn around I felt a little beat but still ready to rock n roll. I had continued to eat a 1/4 of a PB&J at every aid station and a cup or 2 of coke. I had also been sipping on my Hammer Perpetuem just to make sure I was keeping up on my nutrition. As I rolled back into the aid station at FSR 58 (where my husband was helping at a little over 17 miles-which was a WELCOMED surprise) I was no longer accepting solid foods. So, I switched over to just water, coke, and perpetuem. I had also been popping these wintergreen caffeine mints (Viter Energy Mints) that I got in last months stride box.

Coming down the hill after the aid station at FSR 58 I was flying (and when I say "flying" I mean faster than when I run on flat ground). I passed 6 guys struggling down the hill. Turns out that all of the training of down hill extravaganzas in the gorge really really helped out in the up and downhill department. Truth be told...my biggest struggle that day was the semi flat last 3-4 miles. It wasn't till about a mile after the Little Crater Lake AS that things got a little dark for me...Right before the AS at the Dam...my legs and internal organs felt like they were being thrown into a blender with rocks every step I took.I started think about what I could've done wrong. I had fueled, hydrated, paced myself...and what...it's still going to hurt? YES. Yes, it's still going to hurt. So, now I knew it was going to hurt whether I walked, jogged, ran or shuffled. So I ran. There was a moment where tears were streaming out of both eyes...I had to stop to fix my belt and pull myself together. Apparently, there was a ninja photographer hiding in the forest..because I stopped right in front of him just in time for a deer in the head lights standing in one spot picture. Yay!....great photo debut...but he kinda laughed as I said "wait wait wait I am not ready, I'm not ready!"..............HOLD UP...I'll address this...YES, I felt like I could be dying...but still wanted to make sure I got my running picture. When I ran Smith Rock...there was 1 picture of me... it barely seemed like I was at the event...it took me so long to run that event that the photographer left. So, I was very grateful that there was a photographer out there, hiding in the bushes like a picture snapping ninja, capturing my big crying, fixing my spibelt, deer in the head lights scene. I am pretty sure he got an actual running picture.... bless him. PS: Spibelt is broke...apparently the picture ninja startled me so much that I ripped it ...pfft who needs to use the zipper when you are so strong you can just rip it open...#winning.

The last 3 miles were a very close replay of Smith Rock...I repeated the words "Find a way" over and over again...mixed in with several hundred F bombs. My shoes were full of rocks and pine needles and every step felt like my feet were about to fall off. I prayed for them to fall off. I made weird facial expressions as I willed myself up what were tiny hills but felt like ginormous mountains.... turns out my face was really the only part of my body I was able to control at that time...so wiggling my eye browns and squinting my eyes was a fancy luxury. I started dreamed of a giant bottle of Coca Cola...this is coming from a person who has only had coke twice in the past 8 years. Once for my first ultra and then during my second. Apparently, ultra marathoner Ashley LOVES Coke. But, it's bad for you k...dont drink it #doasisaynotasido. My goal was to do WAY better than the last. My silent goal I made to myself was under 6.5 hours. I came up over that tiny hill and opening of the trees to the finish at 6:25:01. I actually remember crossing the finish. I reached for my face and almost started to cry but then my head start pounding. And I just remember thinking...I don't even care that it hurts...because I am present in this moment. I remember it all. I had a beautiful day of incredible amazing memories. The volunteers were amazing, the runners were amazing and I was amazing. I may not have won any awards....but I showed up for redemption and I got it. I might as well of won the whole thing...because my heart had wings....oh and lots of Coke.

After thoughts....

Go Beyond Racing is so great. I love participating in their races. Everything is very organized, the aid stations were fantastic and the course was well marked. So very grateful for races that are put on by people who actually care how the races goes. Thanks Go Beyond Racing!