Catching Fire in a Downpour

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Dear 4:30 AM-

I appreciate that you showed up this morning. I truly do. I know that you have a purpose for me. But, I am having trouble seeing it through the buckets of cold rain coming from a dark sky. I know that you want me to leave my safe haven of warm blankets.  But, I can’t remember why.  The parts of my body that aren’t covered in blankets are already cold and my eyes are heavy. Every ounce of me wants to sleep for 2…maybe 3 more hours. On the living room table my  reflective vest, a headlamp, and my running clothes wait for me and the coffee pot has already made my coffee.  I can smell the hazelnut coffee thru the heater vents. Mmmm. Heat. It’s warm here.  Now begins the conversation I have in my head of “maybe I do need to rest” or “I could just run after work.” It can be so easy in the dark hours of the morning, to talk yourself out of something that was so important to you the night before. It can be so easy to stay comfortable. In the world we live in today…where everything is about how convenient it is or how can we cut corners to make this easier… no one would blame me for staying in bed. But, that’s not true. I would. I would blame me.  If I waited till after work to run…I would have ALL day to talk myself out of it. All day of that groggy, heavy feeling that is usually alleviated by going out for even a short run in the morning.

Every morning for the last 2 weeks I have struggled----Struggled to get out of bed in time to run. This transition from chasing the sunrise to starting and ending my run in the dark has been harder this year. Maybe it’s from feeling the discouragement that tired achy muscle dysfunctions bring. Maybe, it’s the strain of being the only one in my family that likes my running. No matter the reason...it’s time to revisit the reason I do this. Remember the things that make this so important to me.

I have been working on this blog post for about a week or so and couldn't seem to finish it up. Probably due to the fact that I hadn't really found a way to re-light that fire. The fire that helps you push thru those cold dark mornings. And then Saturday happened. 

Saturday morning I had plans to go out for a group run with Territory. My alarm went off at 5 AM and immediately I could hear it. It was pouring down rain. For a minute I laid there wondering if maybe I should just stay home. Maybe I could have a GOT marathon or there are multiple things around the house that need to be cleaned and organized. MAYBE it would be more productive to stay home. The anxiety I had due to the fact that I would be running with other runners who might be faster than me… was absolutely paralyzing. I tried using every excuse in the book to avoid an uncomfortable situation just because I was so anxious. But, somehow I got myself out the door and headed toward the trailhead. When I arrived at the Eagle Creek Trailhead and the other group was running a little behind…I let my anxiety of holding up a group of 20 people with my slowness, get the best of me. I decided it would be best for me and everyone else…to go out a head and just meet up with the group at the turn around. Once I hit the trail… I felt amazing. I felt free. Everything was working correctly and even though it was still pouring, it was beautiful. The fog was incredible and clung to the trees. The air smelled clean and the mud made me feel like a kid. And then I remembered. I remembered why I was out there. There’s a certain beauty in a self made adventure. Knowing you are 5 miles in on some of the most beautiful views that Oregon has to offer and most people are probably still at home, lounging in their PJ’s.
  The anxiety crept back in when I met up with the group. Most of these runners I only “knew” on social media. I felt like a sitting duck-suddenly I thought maybe I should just run the trail back to the car. Maybe go it alone. That’s gotta be better than being the pip squeak in the back fighting to keep up. But, I fought the urge to flee and stayed with the group and I am so glad that I did. Turns out I am not that slow. I am however extremely clumsy and took a very embarrassing spill, but I survived. The world didn't end because I drew unnecessary attention to myself. One of the things I’ll take from this run is that community is so important. Running alone so much can be very therapeutic but you can get lost in your own head.  Going it alone can be so isolating. Something that was said to me was… “You are not a slow runner. It sounds to me like you still think you are the runner you were a year ago and not the runner who took an hour off her Marathon time.” Amazing... Such a small thought…but it shifted my entire perspective. Having that community on Saturday re-lit a fire that I was having trouble lighting this rainy fall season. It reminded me about the best parts of the running community… empowering each other and lifting each other up. You never know how much someone is struggling and what a few words can really do to change everything.

*ie; 4/24/2016- IG "4:30am- it's cold and dark. Eyes & limbs are heavy. Impatience and defeat cling to me. It would be easier to stay in bed. No one would really blame me. With all the constant reminders of a long running season with little recovery, lingering on my limbs. Rest might be better. I could justify that. But the rest of my day would be a not so quiet taunting in the back of my brain that I skipped my run when I was perfectly capable of getting it done. So, I put on my dorky head lamp and hi-viz sitch and threw on my shoes. Not until I stepped outside did the rain start to fall... almost as if to test my commitment to getting this run done…"

Portland (Ultra) Marathon 2016 ----->26.7 Anyone?

I’ve taken a few days to process my 26.68 Marathon on Sunday. I can now walk down stairs correctly and sit for more than 5 minutes before I have to get up and walk it out. EVERYTHING on me hurt. 

My goal had been to attain a sub 4 hour Marathon time or to at the very least PR on both my overall marathon time and my Portland Marathon time. I got the PR’s but I really really wanted the sub 4 hours. In the end I was 3 minutes and 19 seconds over. When I crossed the finish line I should’ve been proud of myself. I should’ve been basking in the glory of my 25 PR’s race and segment PR’s. But I had wanted that sub 4 so bad that it kinda drowned out all of the things I DID accomplish at first.  I could blame it on the piriformis/hip pain I had been dealing with for weeks leading up to the marathon. I could blame it on the 2 ultras, a marathon, a relay and a few halfsies that I have ran since May. I could blame it on the fact that it was a torrential down pour during the race from start to finish. I could also blame it on the fact that early on in the race the course was off by a half of a mile and from the 5K mark on…it severely messed with my head. But, in the end I need to just be happy with the ending I got. A couple of things I should’ve been thinking as I crossed the finish line…

1.       Whoo Hooooooo
2.       I just beat my Marathon PR by 12 minutes
3.       I just beat my Portland Marathon PR by over an hour.
4.       Where is the food?
5.       Beer. I need beer.
 Instead of …
1.       Jesus that was 26.68 miles…did I just run an Ultra today? Why was the effing course longer than 26.2!
2.       Oh God, I didn’t get under 4 hours
3.       Are my legs still attached? Don’t look down!
4.       I can’t believe I didn’t hit my goal
5.       I failed.
6.       Why did I tell EVERYONE over and over again what my goal was?
 

Your mind really is your worst enemy and sometimes we forgets the FACTS. LUCKILY… I have an amazing running community…and those who seem to know me well and as they were following along KNEW how I was going to feel when I fell short of my goal. I already had messages on my phone telling me I should be proud of myself for what I had done today. And then when I opened my strava I had a HUGE list of PR’s including but not limited to…

 1.       10K Record
2.       15K Record
3.       10 Mi Record
4.       20K Record
5.       Half Marathon Record
6.       30K Record
7.       Full Marathon Record

 So, feeling sorry for myself at this point seemed pretty darn silly. At the end of the day I had worked harder than I have ever worked before in my life…including the ultras that I had done this year. I had never pushed myself so hard. And… I walked away from that race feeling like I literally gave it everything I had. IF it had been the perfect day…if everything would’ve gone my way…I would’ve definitely been able to meet my goal. And I still had an amazing race. Aside from my training run on the course a couple weeks before the marathon…I had never ran up the St. Johns bridge hill. I always walked it…and dropped F bombs the whole way. This time I ran all the way up that baby monster hill and only dropped a couple F bombs. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt. Because…that would be a lie. I might have got a little emotional as I came across the bridge and saw my sweet friend Millie out there taking pictures. I was in pain and had just thought about the fact that I still had around 8 more miles to go. The mind games started early. Lucky for me…. I had a lot of support out there. Not only was Millie there at the bridge but I knew that just before the 20 mile mark…I would have my Eastwind Running family waiting for me with smiles and coke! At about mile 22ish I saw Millie again..which would be the last time I would see anyone I knew. I tried hard to not get stuck in my mind…and how I was supposed to have a “pacer” to get me thru that last stretch…but that security blanket had fallen thru. I was going to have to power thru and dig deep on my own. I focused hard on not acknowledging the pain that I was in. And when that didn’t work..I used that pain to propel me forward. 

The last 4 miles felt longer than they ever had. I felt absolutely alone. The dark side of my mind was having a hay day with me.  I had used up all my gas…and was running on fumes. Both glutes and my lower back were constantly cramping…sharp sharp pains shooting down the back of my legs. And the back of my shorts had rubbed skin off my tail bone. But, for the first time ever during a marathon my feet didn’t hurt at all. God bless my Kinvara’s!( To think …I almost bought a different pair of shoes 2 weeks prior to the marathon. So grateful that I didn’t. ) Even though in my mind there was a HUGE battle of wanting to quit and wanting to PR.... and then that moment I realized at mile 25 or (25.5) that I wasn’t going to make my goal…I felt that pain of disappointment. That pain of regret…of wishing I could’ve pushed harder up the hills…a sob caught in my throat and I felt the tears fill my eyes. I turned to my right and there was a guy who looked like he was in just as much pain as me. And we both smiled and shook our heads. And for some reason… just that subtle acknowledgement that I wasn’t alone…that someone else was here in my suffering gave me that last little boost I needed to get me thru to the end. And to top off that moment…. A photographer captured it. And you can see it on our faces… the pain and the relief that we weren’t alone. I mean, obviously I don’t know what he was thinking-for all I know …I had food on my face or had crazy hair or maybe he was thinking about bacon… buuuuuut we will just go with my perception of the sitch. 

 It took me a little bit but I am really proud of what I accomplished and though I am nowhere near where I want to be …. I know that I have come such a long ways! I ended my day with a pumpkin stout, pepperoni pineapple and jalapeño pizza, Ben & Jerry’s and Izombie.
 I thought this would be my last Portland Marathon…but let’s be honest, I still have some unfinished business.
    
  

*Past Portland Marathon times:

                Portland Marathon 2015- 5:09:59

                       Portland Marathon 2013- 5:03:30

            Portland Marathon 2012- 5:21:07

*For now it says that my time was about 4:08....but I went with my time at the 26.2 mark...since everyone on strava seemed to be over the distance as well. Also, submitted a time correction to the Portland Marathon for the 4:03:18.