1986-2016 meet 2017

 -2016-

I've sat down to write this post over and over again but haven't been able to find the words. How do I be honest and show heart without making others uncomfortable...without seeming negative or "poor me". Most people don't like to see the "bare all, heart on the table" vulnerability. But, can I really be honest and true to myself without showing the vulnerable broken sides of me? 

1986-2016
Like so many... I wasn't given the fairest start to life. From my first breath there were obstacle after obstacle. Every day and every night was a fight for survival. I would move 10 obstacles out of my way and then there would be a mountain waiting. At the time...I just thought it was normal. This is just the way life is. I didn't know that it could be different till it was. Even then...when you come back from hell to live among the rest, you never quite feel right. You never feel like you fit in or belong. Part of you always feels just a bit off, like a circle trying to fit into an oval. Damaged. This is where community comes in...running and community. The more people you talk to and the more that you connect with you realize that almost everyone is getting back from hell at one point or another. Everyone is walking around damaged and putting themselves back together...and feeling alone.

Running isn't everything....but it's the thing that can make something beautiful and fierce out of the broken. It isn't the act of running specifically that is the cause of the healing...it's the transformation that happens when you push past what you never thought you could do. When you take control of the uncontrollable and decided that you are more than your circumstances...that you ultimately decide the ending to your story. The run is just a conduit....a compass to help guide you through the mess of what life can be. To help heal you during the devastating times, to keep you engaged in the uneventful times, and to help you celebrate the beautiful times. It keeps disassociation from taking over and keeps you present. Life is too short and goes too fast to check out. Running can bring out the smiles when you thought you couldn't find it and can bring on the tears when you tried to shove them down deep. 2016 was the year I really discovered how amazing trail running could be and the healing it can bring to 30 years of devastating loss. It is the year I decided to let go of past hurt and embrace the present. Because right now is all we have... Thank you 2016 for the suffering, for the tools to cope and the heart to move on. 2017... I am so excited to see what you will bring and what I will do with it. 

The Resolution

Jack's Mannequin

There's a lot that I don't know

There's a lot that I'm still learning

But I think I'm letting go

To find my body is still burning

And you hold me down

And you got me living in the past

Come on and pick me up

Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

And I'm alive

And I don't need a witness

To know that I survived

I'm not looking for forgiveness

I just need light

                                                               I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

                                                               And the bars are finally closed

So I try living in the moment

'Til the moment it just froze

And I felt sick and so alone

I can hear the sound

Of your voice still ringing in my ear

I'm going underground

But you'll find me anywhere I feel

And I'm alive

And I don't need a witness

To know that I survived

I'm not looking for forgiveness

I just need light