:Self Doubt:

OK-so I get that a 2 hr half marathon time isn't very fast. I get that. I really do. I am not so naive that I think that I am something special in the talent department. But, I am also not stupid. Not everyone gets up before the sun to work towards their goal. Not everyone sacrifices money and time to work towards their goal. And I KNOW that not everyone works HARD on a daily basis. Like truly works hard....past the point of comfort. Where the voice in the back of your head says " you are never going to get better" but you keep on pushing. It may be seen as foolish or silly to be so open about my running journey------> there might be more people who think its silly than there are people who think it's great or motivational. But, it's worth it to look "silly" if I reach one person....if I convince one person to do the best thing they can possibly do for themselves. At that's to STOP talking yourself out of the things you want to accomplish. Stop convincing yourself that you really don't want it just because it seems unattainable- just because you think that you'll fail. Don't be afraid to fail. Be afraid of not trying at all. 


So truth time..... I've spent my entire day putting myself down in my head. I am my worst critic. Everyone who has said negative things to me...or discouraging things to me about my running or goals...just know that I've said worse to me. I have been replaying everything negative that everyone has said about my "running obsession". Replaying every eye roll and every obstacle in my head. As it gets closer to my first Ultra Marathon....I've gotten more and more scared. Scared that I wont finish. Scared that I am not ready. . . . scared doesn't even seem like the correct word-Terrified. There's the right word. Panicked works too. Part of the reason I have been so open and transparent about my training recently is because my brain is stuck in a constant battle of wanting to quit and holding on for dear life. I am not being dramatic...I am being truthful. I mean, who works THIS hard and still ends up being an "Average Joe Runner". Shouldn't I be placing at races? Shouldn't I be something phenomenal? Eventually, I will. And phenomenal looks different to everyone. To me it's being the best possible version of me for the people that I love. Just in the past 4 months I have become so much better of a person. A hardworking person. I cant just choose to work my ass off in running and neglect everything else....it spreads to everything else. I have gotten better at my job, at not procrastinating. I am more motivated and driven. I am enjoying the life that I was given and taking good care of the temple I was given. I am grateful for my legs and arms and my beating heart. And I am grateful for how much better I know that I'll become. 

But today, I am discouraged. I post all of these running posts and pictures and motivational quotes.....and as a runner I am not even a very talented one.... I am not breaking any records any time soon. But, I guess it would be easier and less impressive to keep training so hard if I had immediate results. Takes more to keep working extremely hard....and NOT seeing immediate results. So for the rest of the day....I am going to take a deep breath and cut myself some slack---maybe chalk all this self doubt up to nerves.  

Crossing off all of that self doubt. Moving on....

"Whether you think you can, or think you cant-- you're right."

― Henry Ford